Internet Monk reads my brain and turns it into a blog

I could go on and on about how I think Contemporary Christian Music as a whole is rapidly becoming a wasteland, and Internet Monk, in a blog from earlier this week, explains part of the reason why.

I don’t hear the kids of voices that shined the light of God on the darkness of racism, that opposed the Vietnam war with a Christian conscience or that awoke to the realities of poverty and corruption in America. Evangelical art seems to reflect the concerns of the status quo, and the easy acceptance of a world where how we feel is the great crisis of our time.

...

My students will hear a hundred voices telling them to march against gays for every one they hear saying they should befriend the oppressed and the rejected. (One friend told me that when his church volunteered to help with a fund raiser for the local AIDS hospice, the directors were so stunned that they thought it was a joke.)

My students will hear that Martin Luther King, Jr was an adulterer 25 times for every time I point to his model of sacrificial non-violence. Few of them will ever read any of his sermons, but many will be told of his moral failings. (And the same is true for many activist Christians. Some evangelicals make it a point to morally impugn anyone who pursues that they label as the “social” Gospel.)

I should kick people in the face as soon as the idea comes to me.

(The following is a true story.)

So about a month ago I’m walking down the bread aisle of the grocery one Wednesday night, and this lady walking down the bread aisle gets all bummed out that I'm facially deformed, and she asks me what’s up with that.

I think to myself, "Ugh, I meet the weirdest people!"

Instead of kicking her in her own face, I answer her question, hoping that not kicking people in the face is grounds for eternal reward in heaven. Otherwise, I see no reason NOT to kick some people in the face.

And then she tells me if I had enough faith in Jesus, then I’d be healed. Now, in 25 years of medical ugliness, that particular unsolicited statement doesn't make me angry anymore, but I’ve never come up with a sarcastic, witty comeback. So I just kinda stood there, looking longingly at the loaves of bread that were waiting for me.

And THEN she asks me if I go to church and which one I go to. I tell her–I don’t know why, probably because I was hungry and my brain was deprived of nutrients–and she tells me that I need to go to a "real Bible-believing church" for a faith healing. Like the church she goes to–Lamb of God True Vine Prophetic Word Ministries of the Lord Jesus Christ our Savior Tabernacle of Holy Ghost Freedom Praise on Frontage Road. Or something.

So, anyway, then I realized I should have kicked her in the face four paragraphs ago like I wanted to. And then I blurted out that "if my church prayed for divine healing for every ugly person that walked in the door, we wouldn’t have time for anything else."

Then I found a loaf of 100 percent whole wheat bread for $2, which is a steal at this non-Wal-Mart grocery store.

And then I felt a little bad, because most people at my church are at least average-looking, if not good-looking. Not that I’m checking people out at church.

The End.

I'm alive. Isn't that nuts?

It's kind of weird to think that I would have been a good candidate to be aborted.

http://inthelifeofachild.com/index.php/jacquis-story/

"The first perinatologist involved in Jacqui’s pre-natal care suggested among other things, that we should carefully consider all of our options, including abortion. He was of the opinion that an abortion might be in Jacqui’s best interest, and in ours as well....He also stated that if we were to lose “it” (our baby) through miscarriage, that it may be for the best and that since we were young, we could always just “have another."

Oatmeal and the economic crisis

Every time I read another story about the dire economic situation, I think about instant oatmeal and then throw up a little inside my mouth.

(cue transition music going into hilarious personal story)

Some months ago, I found myself in my own economic downfall. Not a crisis--there was never a danger that I wouldn't be able to pay my bills (as long as there weren't any expensive emergencies in my life)--but I was trying to save up money for a couple of things important to me. But the saving was going slowly. Awfully slowly.

So one night I was shopping for food at Wal-Mart, which I believe is the grocery store of Satan, and saw these boxes of "Great Value" brand instant oatmeal in a shopping cart. A box of 10 (assorted flavors) for $1!

"You know," I told myself, "if I ate this oatmeal instead of a regular lunch or dinner, I could save a lot of money!"

(In my mind, because I'm tiny, food is obviously where I should be cutting back on spending. I mean, I'm not eating that much anyway. Why should I splurge?)

So I grabbed two boxes. I felt like a genius. I had a plan to save tens of dollars!

And I did it, because I'm not a quitter. I finished the whole box in about eight days. I think I skipped a day, and none of my oatmeal meals were breakfast, FYI. Only lunch or dinner. I usually skip breakfast.

I've since reverted back to normal eating habits: Lean Cuisines, sandwiches, canned fruit and carb-y snacks for me!

But let me just give some advice about oatmeal in these hard economic times: Instant oatmeal is not that great after the third day in a row, even if you still have three more flavors to try. Eating it two meals in a row will make you sad. It's pretty unappealing by day seven, especially if you had Goldfish crackers and Pepsi for lunch.

Things that taste bad on top of oatmeal: Chocolate syrup (on the maple syrup flavor), shredded cheese (on the plain flavor), peanuts (on any flavor).

I still have the second box of oatmeal. I'm ready at a moment's notice for Instant Oatmeal Feast: Part II.

True confession of personal failing

FACT: I can't look at my friend's online wedding albums because I'm too jealous of the fact that she's married and I'm not.

And I know that makes me a bad person today.

(I'm going to go iron some clothes now.)

Love thy neighbor...

Dear God,

I know I'm supposed to love my neighbor, but you're making it difficult for me.

1. Tonight I go down to the laundry room to take my clothes out of the washer and into a dryer. I find that, for some reason, one of my two machines is set on "hot normal" cycle, which would be super, except that I'd put both on "cold delicate" before I left, because these were work clothes and dresses deserving of such a designation.

Now, my second machine seems untouched and the cycle is done. This crazy one looks like it's just starting up, so I stop it before any damage is done (I hope--the clothes are drying right now). The only thing I can guess is that whoever was doing 6 loads of "hot normal" clothes put money in my machine by accident, switched the setting and turned it on after my original cycle had finished.

2. When I walked into the laundry room, I interrupted someone who was injecting himself with a drug of some kind. I guess it doesn't hurt me any, but it's a little unsettling, like I just walked into a stranger's apartment by accident.

3. There's a Mazda Protege taking up two parking spaces.

4. There's a moving van sitting overnight that's taking up three parking spaces.

A side story: There's a few pieces of furniture stacked near the back door of the van. Every time I go outside for laundry nonsense, the furniture is stacked differently, but never moved inside the van. The furniture thing doesn't bother me, but I thought I'd mention it because it's kinda funny.

That's all I've got. Thanks for listening.

-Me

Random thoughts

Random things blog:

1. Smoothie King coming! Happy feelings!

2. My church found out this weekend that I have no clout as a reporter at my own paper. And to think that I'm the reporter there with the second-longest tenure. (Yeah, it's a little sad that two years = second in experience, but that's how we roll.)

3. 7th Heaven reruns were playing tonight. So weird. As if there's a family like that anywhere on earth.

4. I did my 3 miles today, like a good girl. I'm hungry, because I didn't really eat dinner, but it feels like eating after running defeats the purpose. I mean, I'll get around to it, but I'll feel like a dork.

5. I'm hungry for one of those slices of french bread pizza in the freezer...or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich...or the Stouffer's mac and cheese (every once in awhile, it's worth it to deviate from the Lean Cuisines). Mmmm...food.

Gotta go eat!

Fool me once, shame on you...

I read this last week and forgot to publically announce that we all got duped.

Michael Guglielmucci lied about having cancer, recorded a hit Christian anthem with an oxygen tube in his nose and collected thousands (if not millions) of dollars for his "treatment."

BTW- How crazy is our society that it's better to cultivate an extensive two-year lie about having TERMINAL CANCER than it is to admit that you have a porn addiction? For real!

Oh, and the church is acting all, "Duh, we really don't know how much money has been collected..." which says to this reporter that it was probably a whole lot more than anyone imagined, and they're just hoping they never have to reveal how much it was. I can't imagine that the reporter didn't try to at least get a range quoted: "Well, OK, was it a million? More than a million? More or less than 5 million?" etc. (It's what's required of my noble profession.)

He also had a Facebook group that solicited money. That's interesting.

Oh, yeah, I hope my church never plays the YouTube video again.