I should kick people in the face as soon as the idea comes to me.

(The following is a true story.)

So about a month ago I’m walking down the bread aisle of the grocery one Wednesday night, and this lady walking down the bread aisle gets all bummed out that I'm facially deformed, and she asks me what’s up with that.

I think to myself, "Ugh, I meet the weirdest people!"

Instead of kicking her in her own face, I answer her question, hoping that not kicking people in the face is grounds for eternal reward in heaven. Otherwise, I see no reason NOT to kick some people in the face.

And then she tells me if I had enough faith in Jesus, then I’d be healed. Now, in 25 years of medical ugliness, that particular unsolicited statement doesn't make me angry anymore, but I’ve never come up with a sarcastic, witty comeback. So I just kinda stood there, looking longingly at the loaves of bread that were waiting for me.

And THEN she asks me if I go to church and which one I go to. I tell her–I don’t know why, probably because I was hungry and my brain was deprived of nutrients–and she tells me that I need to go to a "real Bible-believing church" for a faith healing. Like the church she goes to–Lamb of God True Vine Prophetic Word Ministries of the Lord Jesus Christ our Savior Tabernacle of Holy Ghost Freedom Praise on Frontage Road. Or something.

So, anyway, then I realized I should have kicked her in the face four paragraphs ago like I wanted to. And then I blurted out that "if my church prayed for divine healing for every ugly person that walked in the door, we wouldn’t have time for anything else."

Then I found a loaf of 100 percent whole wheat bread for $2, which is a steal at this non-Wal-Mart grocery store.

And then I felt a little bad, because most people at my church are at least average-looking, if not good-looking. Not that I’m checking people out at church.

The End.