I always imagine it's a letter, more like a written notice, telling me that I'm no longer welcome to attend Church on the Boulder* because I (pick one) made a joke so off-color there's not an HTML code for it/accidentally referred to "God" as "Dog" in every reference in the church newsletter/talked back too loudly at the preacher during his sermon/sang a *really* bad note on stage/never bring my Bible inside the sanctuary.
The only way I know I'm safe is when I read the greeting. I know I'm safe when it says, "Dear COTB Family."
"Whew!" I say to myself at that point while uncorking a bottle of wine and cleaning my gun in preparation for a night of sinful debauchery. "They didn't revoke my non-membership!"**
(Another indication of a safe letter? Thickness. If it's thicker than one or two pages, it's safe, because it's probably a long explanation, with pictures and forms, of some building project thing. Nobody would waste all that paper on something just for me. Unless it's a lawsuit.)
* Not actual name of church
** I'm not one of those "afraid to commit" people. I'm just too lazy to attend the membership class after church on the Sunday when it comes up every other month. I mean, formal membership is not necessary to participate in anything...well, nothing that I've wanted to get my grubby hands involved in, anyway. The only difference is that, if I die while I live here in Gautier, Miss., and attend that church, my obituary should state that "She attended Church on the Boulder" instead of "She was a member of Church on the Boulder."
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